a lighthouse i claim mine

2007-02-09T01:49:00.000-08:00

can't believe i'm blogging!woo hoo.

anyway yuhan and i got locked out just now when we were trying to hang up chinese new year decorations and at one swift turn, the door clicked and sealed our fate. we had to run-actually we walked- down to look for my dear old form teacher Mr. Khong,get teased by him while we gratefully collected the key,happily slipped the key into the keyhole,only to realize that it fitted- but couldn't turn,gloomily strolled down again, only to get distracted by the annual list of the top academia in our prestigous nanyang girls high,returned the key,found the uncle jack holed up in his workplace by the auditorium,took the lift, and finally- FINALLY-returned to our air-conditioned sanctuary which still had music playing from my computer.

anyway gracia!!in response to your post, i want to say i love you TOO!!oh man i know i can be so emo at times- thats because i am an INFJ haha (check our myerbriggs analysis) and i can be VERY emotional.i'm always on a roller coaster of emotions, especially when certain things trigger it off. as life goes on and when we go seperate ways, i'll still be there for you and zhu.

true, i love to hole up in my room and withdraw myself from the whirling life around me with books and privacy, i really do treasure you all.do pop by ALL THE TIME.

anyway i just went to check out the letter to editor published in Today. amidst the twenty thirty plus pages splattered with colourful advertisements and red headlines lay my small,humble letter, so small that i totally missed it when i scrolled through the news.the eighty word letter was barely a paragraph, but no one would believe i spent at least fourty five minutes editing the teensy weensy piece of thing.

well, probably i am very egoistic- or maybe i lack a life- but either way, i felt this nervous, tingling feeling of anticipation when i was hunting for my humble letter, a contained pride and excitement that i dare not show explicitly to everyone. i was slightly disappointed but also extremely relieved when i didn't find it at first. my face reddens in embarassment when i imagine the whole flock of language arts teachers peering over the shoulders of the teacher who discovered the article, reading with decreasing interest, getting bored, and returning to their desk lined with piled assignments/a cup of good,strong coffee/their own reading materials.

phew. at least my first try was successful, although i highly suspect it was used as a filler item as it was so conveniently small and short.

Here it goes:

Green teens do their bit
Letter from CHIA YE HUI
I AGREE with Mr Philip Ang,
who wrote in his I Say column
“It’s high time we talked about
weather” (Feb 6) that Singaporeans
have much room for
improvement when it comes to
being environmentally aware.
Thus, it was very encouraging
when my fellow students
at Nanyang Girls High School
campaigned to stop using styrofoam
boxes in our school canteen
— and succeeded.
We are now substituting
them with cardboard boxes lined
with plastic sheets, although we
have yet to find a better solution.
This shows that we too, as
teenagers, can play a part in
saving the environment.

2006-08-30T02:19:00.000-07:00

i shall keep this post short and sweet.

just now i went bloghopping- a few, not many-but still, fun. just now as i was checking out miao ran's blogs she said that my posts were too cheem. hahah i guess. because i blog only when i really feel strongly about something.

but i guess thats besides the point. because when i was scrolling down the blog, i was groaning all the way. ughhh. why did i post so many online quiz results? i think its really stupid :( and although i dont care if the way i blog is cheem or not- i mean, i think its quite a waste of time-but i still do, dont ask me why-maybe its a nice way of spending your time i guess-but anyway...

i was wincing.oh my goodness. did I really pen those earlier posts??

someone just slice off my neck because i had published it in public.

and they are super boring-really really boring.

hmmm so okay, from now onwards, i'm going to keep the results to myself cause i find it super boring. remind me would ya, miao, suxiang, peirong, leeqi, yixiao, chenxi, and anyone else?

lemme just go home cause i miss malaysia i miss malaysia i miss malaysia i miss malaysia i miss malaysia WHOPEE and i am going back TOMORROW i am going back tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow

i'm going back home tomorrow.

ahhhh.HOME.

2006-08-29T08:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can't help it. I doubt myself. Seriously.

Ah it's not some angsty why-the-whole-world-hates-me that kind of thing. But a deep, heartfelt sorrow, something inside you which feels like its crumbled and shattered as you search for meaning to explain why someone can be so cruel.

For me, I have always aspired to be a "good human"-my personal definition, of course. To help a fellow friend in need, to lend a comforting shoulder, to brighten someone's muddy day, to bring peace within the small world I live in.

But I know that not many whom I know would consider me as someone like that. Maybe Peirong- definitely Vanda- but not me.

I don't know. It's not that I don't try. Sometimes, I try hard to reach out to people- even those who has certain fundamental beliefs that I think clashes with mine- and they don't seem to appreciate it.

And even when I make an effort to help them, they don't seem to appreciate it.

I wonder why. Its like I had never made a profound impact on them, I am a gliding stone upon calm waters that is so insignificant that it doesn't even create ripples, much less a splash.

It's not that I ask for people to kowtow their heads or wax lyrical about the "deeds" that I had done, but really, a simple thank you- or even a discreet mention in a blog- would have given me affirmation, and made my life very happy indeed.

Sheesh wait a minute. I repeated the same phrase twice. "They don't seem to appreciate this". Am I sensing some deperate soul out here?

Well, maybe yeah. Is it because I try too hard- tried too hard, so much that I feel resentful of my current situation and feel under-valued,under-appreciated? But if it is so, it means that I must have been pushing myself to do things I do not want to- in short, not being assertive enough. But where is the blurred line? Isn't it my personal human right to say "no"(nicely, of course) when I feel I do not want to do something, or to say something that will make another person feel good about himself or herself, but make me feel rotten because I betrayed my conscience and told an insincere comment, a disgusting lie? Isn't it better to be sincere, candid and seemingly indifferent rather than warm,friendly but completely-to coin a popular word- "fake"? Who wants a world where everyone wears a thick plastic mask of euphemisms and lies?

As the director of "The Six Sense" and "The Lady In The Waters" - Mr. Shyamalam has said :

"When 27 people review your work and the 26 people claim they love your work, you can't help but only think about the 27th who hated it".

I guess its a universal phenomenon.

2006-08-08T08:47:00.000-07:00

today i considered deleting my blog. because i realized that you can only talk about practically ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in the world without conciously removing any undiplomatic,politically incorrect statements through triple editing your post, is only when you write in a diary.

in a book, where no one reads it but yourself.

but even though my blog's lifespan is short, but i would miss it i guess.

but seriously, when the world is so spammed with info (which includes both facts and "verbal diorhhoea"), especially from gazillions number of blogs from all over the world, all seven continents -okay six,minus antartica- of it.....

i guess deleting a little blog won't hurt. i mean, we have so many people talking. we need some people listening instead, seriously.

2006-07-31T07:26:00.000-07:00

a new resolution: pay attention not only to what's going on in my miniscule life, but also to the world.

break away from the sterotype where all teens are believed as angsty hormones-charged selfish people.

be nice to everyone as much as possible.remind self: you will not get angry at what you did five minutes ago. five,ten,twenty years down the road can dissolve the most heated,hard core arguements.

haha yeah. even that people who dao me for flag day when i'm going to do it the 2nd time next saturday.

2006-07-30T06:24:00.000-07:00

have you read the lifestyle column of today's newspaper? chances are, a mosiac of colourful private photos would have attracted your attention, as you look into the eyes of a pretty blogger whose name starts with a f or something.

(okay just back checking the newspaper. its feliza ong.)

it really got me wondering about popular culture.what is all with the craze of blogging and everything? yeah well i have a blog too, which makes me part of the increasingly widening blogger family. thus it must seem really hypocritical of me to criticise blogging when ironically, i'm using my blog to talking to you now, isn't it?

not so.

what is with the almost fanatical craze about blogging? why are famous bloggers
elevated to some kind of mini-star status? i can understand, of course, that like the Idol series,The Simple Life and other reality shows, the idea of an ordinary commoner elevating into the status of an idol is so appealing that it sparked off a trend. but what if people are famous for the wrong things?

okay, maybe not wrong to you, but wrong to me.

i can understand why mrbrown is famous. so is studentssketchpad and the likes of other satirical blogs.as much as it play on humour, they actually get you THINKING. it gives you a fresh new look on things in life without trying to offend anyone as they are "just kiddin' ".

but why do people get famous for ranting and raving about every teeny itty detail of their lives?is blogging a form of acceptable voyuerism, when the bloggers lovingly lavish the readers with lots of nuggets in their life- from their seemingly-funny-but-very-opinionated conversations to their relationship status- whereas the readers satisfyingly munch on these facts, reveling in the fact that they can peek at the barest emotions of a person?

heck, fifty years ago, ANYONE would balk at the idea of a blog. can you imagine disclosing your most intimate, personal diary to the world?

and yet, a bunch of people emerged, a group of people who not only don't mind the attention paid towards their personal diaries, but even enjoy them. but at the same time,these group of people do not allow people to judge their diaries or themselves, while they feel that they have all the right to do anything they want.

let me use an analogy. can writers write anything they want? sure. but can they publish anything they want? of course not! a Danish newspaper had published a series of cartoons mocking the Muslim god Allah, and look how at the amount of controversy it created.of course they have the right to own the freedom of speech,but when another fundamental priority - which is other people's feelings- comes into the picture, some form of consideration and RESTRAINT has to be exercised.

blogging can be fun.you talk, i talk, everybody talk.you happy, i happy.you complain about this, i complain about that, we complain together.

but what happens if everybody talks, and no one listens？

aha.thats precisely what i'm worrying about.

and its certainly not because i'm afraid that no one would know how angry i am at the guy who "daoed" me at the bus stop yesterday when i was asking for donations during flag day.

2006-07-27T02:19:00.000-07:00

have you ever felt that you want to escape from the world?

well, i do.

i don't know why,but i feel as if when i try to fulfill the expectations of myself, i disappoint others. and that makes me feel bad.

OH MY GOD i just sent an e-mail to EVERYONE regarding how we could improve on the designs,and it sounded not especially encouraging.rather formal. but after sending it only THEN i saw mrs wong's e-mail sayaing how beautifully it is done.oh dear have i came across as being mean and critical and horrible?

shit.

heck.actually its not THAT bad.at least i tried to help.

anyway i just did a handwriting analysis at handwritingwizard.com.its far by the most professional i ever encountered. :)

man i must be a crazy blogger who is addicted to personality tests and quizzes.

anyway gtg to watch my Princess Hours!!\

2006-07-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

I think this quiz is really accurate!Maybe like all quizzes, they are inaccurate as they generalize people's character into only a few types. However it is nice, isn't it, when you realize the answers of the quiz agrees with what you are (or you THINK you are).

But its always fun to see how people (or computers) percieve you character. Who knows, you MAY reveal your subconcious self when you choose answers, and you can actually learn more about yourself. But then again,sometimes people are not always truthful with themselves.

This quiz is pretty interesting. So far I agree with everything it said, which is HIGHLY UNUSUAL for me. Anyway, friends around me are all getting boyfriends now. I just got to know that 2 people had newly found boyfriends. Hmm makes me wonder how they got together in the first place. Was it through a phonecall? A face to face talk? A hug? Or things just happened naturally? Hahah talk about being a kaypoh.

Beats me. Afterall, I had never hurdled past the issue between ______ yet. Makes me wonder what IF this had happened, and that hasn't happened.Maybe if I didn't come Singapore...Maybe if I told him how I HAD felt...

Oh well. Just let it go.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

2006-07-11T06:26:00.000-07:00

i found this on yixiao's blog. dont you find that it conntradicts itself?

well i do.i have 3 very different writing styles depending on my mood.

the first:

What does your handwriting say about YOU?

the second:

What does your handwriting say about YOU?

the third:

What does your handwriting say about YOU?

haha super cheat can.they give you a space for you to put your handwriting, pretend its customised, when they actually give you results based on measly 5 questions.not that its inaccurate.

but anyway,dont you notice similiarities here and there? i do.coz i answered same answerd for some questions,dummy.

anyway i had nationals today.dun wanna talk about it now.but i wish people would ask.wait-some did ask,but i dunno why they seemed awkward.was it me or them?ahhhh brain overload.gotta do work :)

so,yes!i guess i'd be updating as regularly as possible :)

2006-06-18T03:36:00.000-07:00

My quiz results from http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx :D

Your view on yourself:You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.(haha yeah)

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.(yup yup)

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.(duh!)

The seriousness of your love:You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?(ah?haha really?but its true i am not ready to commit into a relationship.but uh.seducing people is definitely NOT my thing.)

Your views on education Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.(study hard?no.learning much?yes.)

The right job for you:You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.(nooo!!!err....maybe yes.haha but i'll take risks to start a new business)

How do you view success:You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.(AZA AZA FIGHTING!yup!)

What are you most afraid of:You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble.(So very TRUE) You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.(haha i am MATURE.wow. :))

ahh gotta do homework!

2006-06-15T01:43:00.000-07:00

This was the draft to blog about my first day of school.Thank goodness that everything has changed to prove that I was wrong about my class.

School was NOT as smooth sailing as I thought it would be.

Yesterday (Tuesday) was my 1st day of my Secondary 3 life (God, am I that old already?), and it was one of the toughest in my school life. I woke up at 5.50 am and rushed to school by 6.55am, wearing contact lenses only on my right eye, as I hurriedly flung my schoolbag outside my new classroom to rush to the toilet to wear contact lenses on the other eye.

It was dusk when I was in school. It seemed like a cage of greyness had clouded up our school, and everywhere was this surreal excitement from old classmates who had seperated for 2 months, and silence between total strangers who knew that the other party would be in their same class for 2 years.

I rushed to look for my PSGL (Peer Support Group Leader) group members and the class I was in charge of orientating (1/3-Sec 1 Class 3), and everything seemed to fall into place as I briefed the other members and introduced myself to the new members of Nanyang (I was the group leader.)

It was quite fun talking loads of crap to the juniors, but when I went back class to grab an hour's lesson or two (I have only 2 hours of lessons each day out of 7-guess how much stuff I missed out!!) my heart fell when I saw my bag left forlornly outside the class, which was in contrast to the crowdedness in the classroom.

When I walked in the class, 28 pairs or eyes bore into me as my new form teacher gestured to let me in. I knew almost no one in class as funnily enough, all the people I know seemed to have dissipated into nowhere. I nervously scoured the class, hopeful that some kind soul would have saved a seat for me. But to my secret despair, everyone seemed to have paired up, teamed up, and ganged up in neat rows of two.

I found no seat.

As I paced around the class, hands gripped tightly on my sling bag with 28 pairs of eyes still trained on me – I found a forlorn pair of table and chair behind the mass crowd.

I joined them.

As if controlled by remote, the form teacher gave a slight hiccough, and all 28 heads finally turned to face the looming whiteboard far in front.

2006-06-11T23:29:00.000-07:00

I am now comfortably at my home, gulping down iced Shandy as I struggle to force myself to do my homework. Anyway I had a lot of fun with my brother just now surfing the net for the lamest videos we could find from YouTube and GoogleVideo! :) before my mother's car horn was blaring outside the gate. :(

Haha anyway I showed my bro my findings- a lame 80s music video, and another on porn videos. But my brother won hands down with this Pokemon theme song parody. We were giggling hysterically, especially when familiar scenes like the "Pokeball" to catch the Pokemons was rolling pathetically on the carpet.

Watch the Pokemon one!

2006-06-09T13:47:00.000-07:00

listen, my friends. listen to my pleas, and not the exterior masking everything.

listen, the world.listen.life is already as miserable as it is, so please don't go making the hell out of everything. yes. this includes the stupid bloody teacher who told you off for breaking a school rule, another bloody piece of homework you need to do, a bloody friend of yours who took you pen without permission, and your bloody family members whom you just feel pissed at.and maybe that bloody guy who stepped your toe on the bus as he was racing down the bus.

hello, why do you like to make everyone and even everything bleed? swearing is rude.its horrible.undignified,crude, and shows that you have the patience and EQ of Adolf Hilter. and whats wrong with everyone is that everyone finds that theres nothing wrong with it.

here i am, making a stand. making a blog. for the faintest hope that someone would randomly stumble onto this, be inspired, and ready to move on in his/her journey in life. or at least, he/she learns something about me, about life, about anything actually.

or, i am making a blog, because i need privacy that no one intrudes onto.yeah sure a blog is never public, but it is so if you never disclose your blog's address to your friends and family, because frankly, sometimes some just makes me pissed off. sad.disappointed.

and well who knows if you stumble upon another roaming soul? well if you, the reader, had so fatefully stumbled upon this humble blog, leave a comment. i'll be more than glad to offer a listening ear.

ohh and i need a place to express myself, a place i know i can be as crazy or stupid or wacky or serious or sincere as my friends know me, but also the sentimental and angry and compassionate and disheartened and the really reflective me that i tend to hide, as people are uncomfortable of these traits.yes they do show interest and emmpathy, but believe me, the mask wears off very easily.

well, thank you, my blog, my companion.

2006-06-09T13:30:00.000-07:00

I've just read this book called "Da Jun" (tycoon,or "Big Lord" in Chinese), by my favourite author, Yi Shu. In it, three young people's lives are changed forever by a gloabally influential yet physically plain-looking guy nicknamed "Da Jun".

The lady character, scarred by an accident, runs away from the hustle and bustle of the mordern world to this utopian place at New Scotland, where she lives in a lighthouse,happy and free.Isn't it just metamorphical? This lady also happens to be the conscience of the crude mordern society, where she slowly yet surely uncovers the Big Lord's ways of stashing money through cheating,conning, even killing.

I was inspired by this theme of lighthouse- the name itself suggests the shining light, the guide of lost sailors as they roam the sea, lost among the roaring waves.Especially in this rough world nowadays- I believe we each need a lighthouse.Our conscience. Our heart. Our key, to the language of the world, as said in Paul Coelho's "The Alchemist". Or even our confidence. Our belief in ourselves, that everything would be better, that we will suceed.

No matter what, this lighthouse will forever be in me. See, my friends. It might not be shining bright sometimes, but it would forever be there.

Ah, my friend.I have plenty to show.But you all choose not to listen. And sometimes even you, my friends, are the waves and storms, which might cause the crumbling and wear-and-tear on the lonely lighthouse.

But a fresh coat of paint is all it needs, for the lighthouse to stand stronger, firmer, and shining brighter than ever.